The Eastern European woman

She is like any other woman in the world.

If you are here for dating advice, feel free to click away. I am just sharing some of my personal experiences and showing you who we really are.

Myth

If you are reading this from Western Europe or the United States, and your worldview is dominated by prejudices you are not even aware of, chances are that in your mind the Eastern European woman is slender, blonde, blue-eyed, and money is her god. Despite the latter, to add a hint of contradiction, she is submissive, ready to bend to the man’s will.

Reality

I’m Hungarian. The French would call me petite, my hair is brown, and my eyes are grey, turning green when I am angry or sad. I need money to cover my needs and to feel safe in the world, I don’t need additional luxuries to prove my worth. Financial independence is probably the biggest driving force in my life, and it stems from growing up in a patriarchal society where women are subordinate to men. Thus, even if it means having to kick and bite, I make sure I remain free from relationships that don’t treat me as an equal. This also applies to friendships and work, as these dynamics permeate life in all contexts. And there you have the description of the intelligent 21st-century Eastern European woman – strong and won’t take BS.

Double standards

Would you merge Austria and France, abolishing their uniqueness, just because they both belong to Western Europe? Eastern Europe is a culturally and geographically diverse area. It’s unrealistic to think of it as a homogeneous region where we all share the same values and traditions, where only one type of woman lives.

Yet, whether they come from Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, or elsewhere, women from Eastern Europe inevitably face xenophobia and are lumped together when they spend time outside their country. I have noticed that what many men in Western countries desire, and are sure to get from us, is quiet obedience to orders. Almost always they get disappointed. I mention Western Europe because that’s where my experience comes from. Every time I meet someone new, I have to cut through the ignorance and break down stereotypes. They are so ingrained that people don’t realise how easily their words can offend.

When it hurts

Someone I considered a friend, offered to introduce me to a wealthy impresario who passed our table in a central London bar. My friend meant no offence and I let the incident go without comment but it cut deep. The offer had more to do with centuries-old and internalised sexism than with my origins. However, because, in addition to the usual perception of women in general that we so often experience, Eastern European women have to deal with an extra level of patronising treatment in different contexts, we can become a little paranoid and suspicious when approached or in situations like the above.

Whether we are talking about Africans, Asians, or Eastern Europeans, we are too often unaware of the extent to which we are judging. Only by recognising our prejudices and then working consciously towards eliminating them can positive change be achieved.

When preferences get a little too specific

During one of my travellings beyond Europe, I met a British man who became obsessed with me at first sight. Or rather at first ’telling him where I was from’. He followed me everywhere, I couldn’t get rid of him despite keeping myself to myself. Later I found out that he had become similarly obsessed with other Eastern European women in the past. Then, when he saw that no one matched the image he had of us, he settled on an Irish woman.

This kind of hoarding behaviour can also be seen in interracial relationships, where an individual becomes the fetish for another. It never comes from a healthy space and will never result in healthy relationships.

And the US. I don’t know how, when, and why Eastern European women became commodities there. American men will find me anywhere and expect me to conform to their fantasies. Where there is demand there is supply, I won’t deny that. A single internet search shows how easy it is to believe that the norm in our part of the world is this twisted, money-obsessed, appearance-focused existence where women willingly consent to being objectified.

Demeanor

The idea that we enjoy a subordinate role is perhaps related to how we behave with strangers. Eastern Europeans in general are less expressive for the untrained eyes and minds, women even more so. But if you get a little closer, you’ll be surprised to find a volcano beneath the calm surface.

After a job interview, I was told I didn’t prove that I wanted the job. They expected big smiles and open enthusiasm. My blunt response? A sarcastic ‘I flew to London for the interview’. I may not fuss loudly or laugh too hard at your jokes, but I am honest, regardless of the consequences.

If I don’t like you, you will know it. If I like you, consider yourself part of the family, and accept that I will treat you as such, which means a slight invasion of your privacy. I will even expect you to appreciate this privilege. If you abuse my trust, I will walk away without a word, with the same calm I reserve for strangers. The latter may be a personal trait, but the Eastern European soul is indeed as deep as the Mariana trench and requires a very careful approach.

All in all

Origin and place of birth influence our values and perspectives, shaping how we interact with others and perceive the world. The history of Eastern Europe connects many countries, and indeed we can discover traits that we all share, but however connected we are, it would be a mistake to homogenise half a continent.

A lack of cultural awareness can mess up personal and business relationships. Before you judge or jump to conclusions regarding anyone’s personality or abilities, it’s worth looking behind the scenes.

If nothing else, remember, we feel just like you.

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